Wednesday 16 October 2013

Confronting Cupid

Today, me and my partner decided to end our short-term relationship. Feelings of discontentment were beginning to surface, and the weight of my world was becoming to much to bare; I progressively started to devalue my worth and second guess my intuition. Nights I would previously use meditating or doodling in my notebook, was spent staring into the mirror and picking apart my flaws; desperately attempting to shed light upon my feelings of inadequacy. I have a tendency to doubt my own ability; I have been in many prior relationships which have unintentionally discouraged me from truly expressing myself and in some cases, made me feel voiceless. This relationship however, was not due to my partners lack of affection or attention; he is the perfect example of a real gentleman. This was purely based upon confronting my own emotions.

The first stage was denial, carrying the woes of my previous relationship, into my present one, I was not yet ready to face the sorrow of isolation and confront my inner-demons. The negligence of my inner-voice was beginning to have an impact on my self-perception. I would continuously contradict and guilt-trip myself, into rationalizing the feelings of jealousy, boredom and anxiety. Being introvert, I felt great humility talking about this to others; Fearing that my fickle nature and inconsistent emotional out bursts would be misunderstood and overlooked, by others whom were simply listening out of tolerance, not empathy. However, once I had the opportunity to find peace of mind, I no longer felt disconnected from my spirit. Although these feelings may have been exaggerated or wrongly directed. You are never wrong for how you feel.

The second stage was avoidance, although I had acknowledged these unhealthy traits, I paid them no consideration, in hope that they they would eventually go away, and the honeymoon feeling would return. I continued to meditate, and doodle in my notebook, grasping whatever type of escapism was at hand. Over a period of time, my introverted methods of relaxation had become a chore; the hobbies I affiliated with peace, had now become unbearable, as a result of my inner-frustrations. I felt exposed to the world, as though my shell had been cracked. There was nowhere to hide. At this point, an introvert must find the inner strength, to decide whether having a partner, is worth sacrificing the person we know best, ourselves. I understand that for many of us, it is harder to let go once we have found someone willing to accept the flaws we do not often commute, take the extra time to break down the guards, we do not often level and respect our time of solitude, many extroverts may not fully understand. 

The third stage was acceptance. In the wise words of Paulo Cohelo “When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive." That person was me.

To those of you, who also have an introverted nature, you may find, falling in love is far more difficult to do, as we tend to guard our emotions in a shell of self-protection. If we are fortunate enough to find a soul mate, we rather, welcome this individual into our place of seldom; We will never abandon our shell. Furthermore, if you feel the need to abandon your partner. Use this as an opportunity to re-discover yourself. The beauty of the introvert mind, allows us to create a far more intimate and harmonious relationship with ourselves, then any other personality type. You should never have to compromise the person you are, for the person people expect you to be. Embrace your in-dependency and know you are a child of the world. Now, as I am beginning accept my presence is a gift of existence, I am more wise as to whom I share it with.

I have been granted permission by a very talented visual artist (@KB BISHARA) to use his short movie 'Addiction'. The movie is about letting go, but what's in-between is all open for interpretation. I used film this as an opportunity to mirror my own sufferings.

Wednesday 9 October 2013

Living for tomorrow

Today is wednesday, the one day a week i will dedicate to writing this blog. Right now, I am listening to Comptine d'un autre été - Yann Tiersen. There is something special about this type music which captivates a tragic sense of awe; An emotion often suppressed. It offers a type of rejuvenation, a spiritual cleanse from the daily societal routine. As though the universe is rewarding us with the gift of time. It unlocks the door of illumination to all my fears and congestions, so I too can embrace this present moment. Unfortunately I know, the second the music ends, the silence of my room will greaten and the worries of tomorrow will creep amongst my conscious. The problem with thinking about the future, is the constant state of anxiety and sleepless nights I tend to endure. I spend hours of bewilderment strategising how to approach the next day, and am left with a chain of false expectations. The problem with being an introverted individual, who finds personal isolation to be an imperative part of their nature, is their vulnerability to self-criticism. We are our own worst enemy and best friend; Time spent perplexing tomorrows concerns, often interferes with our personal recovery, which we spend re-energizing ourselves, from a hectic day. Unlike the extrovert, you may find more difficulty in sharing your problems with others and therefore, the time we should be spending alone to empower ourselves, we waste panicking over what tomorrow brings. In the wise words of Alan Watts, “This is the real secret of life -- to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.” To overcome anxiety, you must first embrace the present moment. Learn to be easy on yourself and take everything within your stride. Find great enjoyment turning normal day to day activities ie washing the dishes, into a therapeutic activity. By achieving this, you will no longer dread your list of commitments, as each commitment will become a desire and each negative aspect of your life, will become a positive.

Thursday 26 September 2013

An Introverted Introduction

For many years, I considered myself an extrovert; Living up to false ideals, based on other peoples perception of me; enduring countless social gatherings, parties and curricular activities, which gave me a sense of identity I could understand and portray. I would wake up most mornings trying to justify my loneliness and avoid feelings of anxiety, by surrounding myself with people I assumed knew me better then myself. It was only when I alienated myself from a society I despised, I truly found harmony. Somewhere between my childhood transition to adulthood, I had become an introvert. A classic definition to an introverts behaviour, is a person who is energised by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. Not to say, an introvert is lacking social grace, but however, finds the balance of isolation and interaction to be imperative. An introverted person takes great joy in exploring the world of their mind and using their leisure time to evaluate their thoughts. We are emotional and misunderstood creatures. However, Adam McHugh's quote, gives a more descriptive and relatable explanation "Often we come home from a sharing session with a feeling that something precious has been taken away from us or that holy ground has been trodden upon.”

I personally, am very selective with whom I share my desires and dreams with, not due to a lacking of confidence, but an awareness to how fragile my mind is too public displays of criticism and a solid understanding of 'never being wrong for how you feel'. This has led me to create very bold and opinionated views on the World, Love and Existence, but views I have great difficulty sharing with clarity to the public due to a fear that I will be misunderstood. Along with this new found understanding of how an introverts mind works, has come a great sense of empathy to the many other young introverted people who face the same melodies of confusion and social anxiety. I have created this contextual blog to give a personal example of how an introverts mind works and to hopefully encourage other introverts whom may not fully acknowledge the beauty of their minds; to embrace their identity.